I Forgot

Baby loss awareness

It was almost time for our gender scan so I was busy planning a gender reveal for our boys. Stephen was working away so we'd decided I would have the scan and we'd do the reveal when he was home.

I got together with my lovely friend and fellow photographer Louise to plan something special. She was going to be in charge of arranging the set up as I wanted to find out at the same time as Stephen and the boys. So Louise was to come with me to the scan and have the sex sealed in an envelope. We'd decided to go with water guns filled with either pink or blue paint and we'd all wear white t-shirts and let the boys cover us all in the paint.

As it turned out, Stephen managed to get home early so we decided to have the gender reveal on the Wednesday instead of waiting til the Sunday (I couldn’t wait knowing that Louise would know and we wouldn’t!!)

Louise and I went along for the scan on the Tuesday. We sat in the waiting room discussing bears with little heartbeat sounds and all the other nice things they had to save the sound of your baby’s beautiful little heartbeat.

Then it was our turn. We were called in and I hopped up eagerly on that bed, excited to see my little baby again. I can vividly remember Louise saying it was all so magical and she felt all emotional. I remember looking at the screen thinking how grainy it was. The sonographer was silent. She was busy taking measurements. I didn’t even give it a thought. I just wanted to hear that little heartbeat and waited for her to turn up the volume so we could hear. She didn’t though. Instead she said those words that will haunt me forever.

“I’m sorry Debby but there’s no heartbeat”

I remember thinking “dont be so silly” I was in total disbelief but Louise jumped from her seat beside me and said “oh god” in that moment I knew. A sound like no other escaped from me but I felt like I was outside of my body looking down on someone else. Then I wailed and I wailed. My baby was gone.

The sonographer left the room to make arrangements. She’d left the scan picture up and I just kept looking at my baby. But then I thought no. She’s got It wrong. That screen is so grainy her equipment must be out of date and she’s got it wrong. I convinced myself everything was fine.

When the sonographer came back in the room Louise took over. I sat silent. Not moving. Convinced that this woman had failed at her job. Louise is a volunteer photographer for Remember My Baby so she instinctively knew what questions to ask.

We were ushered out the room. Rushed passed all the other pregnant mums waiting for their turn. These women would no doubt have heard my hysterical cries and the staff wanted to get us out quickly to avoid being seen by those parents to be. I totally understand why they did it but at the same time I was so upset by this.

Louise drove me home. She took my car keys and brought me back to my family. We had to go to the hospital again to have it confirmed but I needed Stephen to be with me.

Again I was still convinced they’d got it wrong so sitting in that hospital, waiting to see that little heartbeat was just agonising. We were finally seen after 2 and a half hours and this new sonographer confirmed what the last one had told us. Again my world collapsed around me. I’d let myself believe she was wrong and this was worse than the first time around.

The next day I had a newborn session booked. Louise had offered to come to my studio to do the session for me but I decided against it. I went ahead and did the session, snuggling that little baby and hiding my tears. I came home and sobbed.

The kids knew we were going to be doing the gender reveal after school so they were really excited to find out. Instead we had to sit them down and tell them that the baby had died. This was the worst conversation ive ever had to have. We all cried.

I had a phone call on the Wednesday to say that we needed to have 2 separate doctors confirm the loss with scans and were scheduled to go in on the Friday.

This was probably one of the worst experiences through the whole process.

We went along for the scan and the sonographer asked if we’d like to see the screen. I said yes. She then explained how if there was a heartbeat the little box that she’d indicated would be glowing and obviously there was nothing there. She then went on to explain that if there was a heartbeat we’d hear the sound and little waves would appear across the screen. Instead there was a flat line and that continuous beep. Ive no idea why she felt the need to let us hear that sound or see that flat line. But that was just the worst possible thing I could have experienced. I broke down again. It was just horrific.

On the Saturday we were asked to come back to have bloods taken and to have a pill that would stop my pregnancy hormones. We were to come to the labour ward on the Monday morning where my labour would be induced.

Walking into that ward knowing that babies were being born all around me was hell. I was coming in with my baby still inside me but knew I’d be leaving empty handed and empty hearted.

My labour was induced at 8.30am

Contractions gripped my body but I refused to have any pain relief. I needed to feel every one of them and know that things were progressing.

Our beautiful baby girl was born at 5.10pm

She was tiny but absolutely perfect. Her little eyes were closed. She had the tiniest little hint of a smile and you could even see teeny tiny little finger nails.

After her cord was cut the midwife took her away to check her over.

I got to spend some time with her but started to lose a lot of blood.

The placenta wouldn’t come away and I ended up having to have surgery to remove it.

The midwives took the baby while I was in theatre. They took some pictures of her and put the sd card in a box for us to keep.

We decided to call her Teddy. During one of our first scans she was extra wriggly and they couldn’t get a picture of her lying on her side like most scan pictures so they’d taken one from above and she’d looked like a little teddy bear. We’d joked with the boys that instead of a baby we were having a teddy bear so it seemed fitting.

Our little Teddy bear

Before Teddy was born we’d had to fill out lots of paper work with the midwife. She blind sided us by asking about our plans for her funeral. During all of this no one had mentioned a funeral. And god knows why but I hadn’t even thought about it.

She’d said that we could have a group cremation with other babies who had passed or we could take her and have our own funeral. We asked how long we had to decide because we were pretty floored. We had to make that decision before we left!

Stephen and I spoke about it and I was adamant that I didn’t want my babies ashes mixed in with other babies ashes. But Stephen said if we take her, she has to lie in a cold funeral parlour somewhere all by herself, whereas if were opt for the group cremation then at least she’ll be together with other little babies. This gave us a little comfort so we decided to opt for that.

We were offered a post mortem to see if we could find a reason for her death. I really wanted to know so we agreed.

The morning after Teddy was born I had the chance to spend a little more time with her. I read her some stories that I would have read to her when she was bigger. I sang to her. I played the singing kettle on my phone as this was always a firm favourite with the boys. I just wanted to have had some experiences with her.

I’ll always be grateful that I got this extra time with her. In a sense the retained placenta was a little blessing as it gave me time I shouldn’t have had with her.

Stephens wee granny had knitted a beautiful blanket for her so we wrapped her in this. I know it sounds really silly but I just wanted her to be warm. I hated the idea of her being cold and alone.

Then it was time to leave the hospital.

We had to say goodbye and hand her back to the midwife. I swear it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Again I sobbed as we left the ward. Our amazing midwife Paula hugged me and said she hoped to see us again when we’d be taking home another little bundle. Honestly this woman was amazing!! She was there from start to finish. Her compassion and level of care was just astounding. She has such a difficult job but you’d never know it. Honestly she was just amazing.

The one thing that stuck with me through the whole experience is that I just forgot. I forgot that this can happen. I forgot that the 12 week scan isn’t the be all and end all. You get to that 12 week scan and think you’re past the “danger stage” but you’re not! Yes for the most part miscarriages happen within the first 12 weeks. But Not always. And I forgot.

Goodnight my beautiful girl. We’ll love and miss you every single day.